Holymoly (Clovenhoof Book 8) by Heide Goody & Iain Grant

Author:Heide Goody & Iain Grant [Goody, Heide]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor, comedy, fantasy, British, Satire, humour
Publisher: Pigeon Park Press
Published: 2018-08-30T22:00:00+00:00

The scrape of crockery on concrete. Rutspud rolled over and opened his eyes.

“What’s this?” he said.

“Ham, egg and chips, Lord Rutspud,” said Mo. “Used to be my dad’s favourite. Nothing for building up a growing lad like ham, egg and chips.”

With aching fingers, Rutspud reached for a chip.

“Careful. They’re hot,” said Mo.

“You don’t know the meaning of hot. You will.” He shoved a chip in his mouth. It was a crunchy, copper-brown, sizzling on the outside and molten carbohydrate on the inside. “S’nice,” he said and shoved another in before he’d finished the first. “Very nice.”

Mo pushed the plate so it was fully inside the circle.

Rutspud grunted as he pushed himself into a sitting position.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” said Mo.

“Do you care?” he replied.

He ignored the cutlery on the plate, picked up a slice of ham, folded it over his finger and swallowed it whole. He looked toward Shafttoe’s circle and Lackring’s cage.

“No ham, egg and chips for the others?” he said.

“They’re asleep,” said Mo.

“Demons don’t need sleep,” said Rutspud. He thought. “Don’t need food either.” He shrugged, picked up the wobbly fried egg like it was a wriggling fish he was trying to land and tipped it into his gob before it could escape.

The egg was greasy and slick and felt good sliding down his throat.

“You should let me go,” he said. It wasn’t a threat of such. It was a piece of advice.

Mo gave a small, sad smile.

“We summoned you for a reason, Lord Rutspud.”

“To make people more litter-conscious? To give squirrels a sense of civic duty?”

“We just want to make the world a better place.”

He laughed or, more accurately, he croaked in a sort of laugh and then stopped when it hurt.

“The number of terrible things started by people who ‘wanted to make the world a better place’… We should have a pit for them in Hell. Maybe we do, the pit of I Was Only Trying to Make Things Better.”

“You believe we should let this world go to wrack and ruin?”

“Oh, I don’t think you have much choice over that. To save this world? You’d need to decimate the population. Ha! Not even that. Cut it to a tenth of its current size. Turn all the nuclear missiles into potpourri. Turn all the oil and plastic in the sea back into the little creatures they once were, millions of years ago. Turn the coal back into trees while you’re at it. And even then, I only give you a fifty-fifty chance of lasting another thousand years.”

“We’re doing what we can, in the ways we can,” said Mo defensively.

“Yeah, that’s how Merilyn sold it to you, right?” He used the last of the chips to wipe at the grease on the plate before eating them. “‘Let’s summon demons. Let’s right a few wrongs.’”

Mo made an irritated noise.

“Shows what you know, mighty demon. In fact, this was all my idea.”

“Oh.”

“Oh? Why, ‘Oh’?”

He licked his fingers. “You just don’t seem the type.”

“Am I too much of a sheep? A follower, not a leader? Poor, silly old Mo.

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